don't i look cute or not?

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Difficult Lessons

i can not sleep.

i am tired, my back is aching, i have a briused jaw and also a knee. i got lots of things to do and i do not know where to start.

if i had time these things i would probably do...

i want to clear Toto's name. People of the world! i want all of you to know that whatever lies being spread around not one is even half true. I want to say to Mrs. B. that Toto did not take advantage of me or my family what so ever. People only heard demented versions of the truth.

i want to tell my best friend no matter happens i will be here. i have never judged you nor the girl you love. I will always be your friend no matter what. i ask apology whatever wrong i have done.

i want to hang out with Rolyn and this time ill be the one who will make her laugh.

i want to have time with my high school barkada honey and chella. Even though sometimes we think differently but we never argue. we just laugh at our problems.

i want to spend more time with my sister. So many malls to shop so little time.

i want to hang out with Karl and get to know Renyboy even better. Just when Renyboy started to open up i have to go away.

i want to have lots of bonding time with Rose, Nikki, Bubbles and even Kate. i will definitely miss you guys.

i want to bully Mark some more....bitin pa kasi ako.

i want to make Tom's life hell. Joke.

i want to say goodbye to my students especially the little ones.

i want to join the guerilla filmaking three.

i want to help Kenth in his projects.

i want to tag along with Rachel and help her out with her various projects.

i want to tell anyone who hates me i am not a slut just a tease. hehehe

i want to go to sleep...

and have world peace?

hehehe

Freak

you know i have a reputation with the girls...

i can not understand why?

Am I that gwapo?

hehehe

ok ok ok

i know i look like a cute guy at times but please im still a little girl at heart.

maybe a girl who tends to skip around

blow bubbles

tries to sing a tune

and sometimes unknowingly tramples a couple of wild flowers along the way.

"Sorry itsybitsy flower"

sometimes i want to say

but most of the time i dont even see that i have stepped on one.

What the hell am i saying?

hehehe

just me and my nonsense ranting.

besides no reads my blog...

i used to wish that someone would somtimes check my blog
as they say be careful of what you wish for.

a girl once called me a black window spider

im more of a praying mantis!

hahahaha

ill eat my mate alive literally
so if you are still alive
then you have not yet met who i really am...

do praying mantis eat wild flowers for breakfast?

Yes

i am a freak

So this is how it all ends. We are all strangers in a dark cinema.

I only got a week to go until I am exiled somewhere…

I want to finish everything in one week

….the grades
….the clearance
….packing
…saying goodbye

Sad to say I could not do everything in one week
When I could not…I mean I could never say goodbye to my friends…or what’s let of them.

When I came back to Davao I thought I was finally home.
I realized that this is no longer my home.
Nothing feels right anymore.
I am plainly just an alien.
(Somebody arrest me!)

I though I finally found friends people who warmly accepted me as who I am.
Well I did found true friends and I am very thankful for them.
But sadly my life is not a fairytale…well even fairytales have witches in them.

My life suddenly became what could be a very
VERY interesting art film.

I wanted to fix things but that would only tangle the web of complicated interrelationships.

Some would see this as running away

But I really did not have a choice when I am now being shipped back to Manila.

I used to wish to be back there.

Funny.

Now I have to be dragged there kicking and screaming.

Tinted Specs

Another empty page
I’m drowning in the stillness of white
A minute ago I had pressed the delete button
Trying to undo the unwritten
The white blank screen does not cleanse me
It reminds me of my emptiness
What will I write tomorrow
When I died yesterday
And born today
I do not want to think
I do not want to remember
I woke up today in a nightmare
But my nightmares are sugarcoated
I could never deny my dark side
It fuels my insane creativity
No one could change me
Although I am better
But that does not mean I am less corrupt
I do not want someone holding me
I do not want someone loving me
Kiss me goodbye
I set you free
Swim in a future untainted by me
Let me cross the unlit streets
Let me wander in the dark
You had shown me the light
But you didn’t know that I was wearing tinted specs
Someone said that I love too much my freedom
Close your eyes
Count to ten
One
Two
Three…

Ten
You won’t see me
On the ground I left something
A piece of torn flesh
Beating
BreathingEternally loving

Two Ends of a Spectrum

I can not stop thinking about him.

He makes me want to paint
He makes me believe
He makes me try to be positive
He makes me more mature

I can not stop thinking about him

He makes me want to write
He makes me forget
He makes me don’t give a damn
He makes me laugh out like a little girl

The feeling of his frail body
The feeling of his lithe body
His hard working hands
His soft palms
The security the emanates from him
The comfort of his embrace

I love listening to his strong grounded ideas
His unfailing belief in productivity
And the growing love that never ceases to flow

I love listening to his endless rant of senseless insanities
His distinct perception of the world
And his presence that will be always be there when I need it.

Both looking through two different perspectives
Underneath it all
I love them both…

Try to Be Sane Again

Today was my last day being the Art Teacher. As I walk the familiar paved pathways of my youth this is my second time saying farewell to this pathways. Nine years ago I made a promise that I would never set foot again on these pathways but I was wrong. You can never predict the future. I am not saying that I will never set foot again on this so called educator’s soil; I am not that naïve. If ever I would come back it would be a good retrospective of my past.

From the start I knew I would cause a stir on the said institution I am about to depart. They thought they knew me well because they thought I had shared a part of my life in those walls but I am not that promising little grade six student anymore. Walls could not contain me any longer. Restrictions only breathe more life into my insurgence of squared ideas. I am sorry that I have disappointed them all…wait I do not want to ask for apologies. I am what I am.

I just hate going away with lies painted all over the place. I want to clear my dear Toto’s name. He is not what they think he is. I guess it is just time that we flee that place and let them all rot in the lies they want to believe.

I have small time left in Davao. I will be shipped off again to Manila. My last moments in Davao I want to spend it with the cherished friends that I have found for the past months.

Maybe I will try another fresh start. Try to be sane again.