a week

“It hurt when I lost each of the various men I fell in love with. Now, though, I am convinced that no one loses anyone, because no one owns anyone. That is the true experience of freedom: having the most important thing in the world without owning it.”
Paulo Coelho

I wrote this to someone to whom I recently became close...(in a span of a week parang isang lingong pag-ibig hahaha)
I live many lives…
The obedient daughter
The loving sister
The stubborn art teacher
The misunderstood artist
The bitch (for some girls who hate me)
The weird friend
And what not…
Then there’s the person you got spend an afternoon with.
I can be anything you want me to be.
I can be your friend
I can be your sister
I can be your mistress
(sadomasochist na masyado ang dating)
I can be your lover
But I do not want to be the one who hinders you from your first love…your art.

My life always evolved around my art. So everything that i experince is a form of art for me. I can no longer step into a realm he conjured but i know that deep in his thoughts i linger. I just hope i will not be forgotten. i wanted to say to him never life wear you down...how can you do your art when you are dead, in hell or worse in none existence. Even though its very delicious (and inspiring) to be depressed but never stop living. i was happy. i was with you a hundred ten percent (not even thoughts of brad pitt or of takeshi kaneshiro invade my head haha). i was inspired. i wanted to live and stopped caring about dying...

now i am back to my reality...not really depressed but somehow surviving.

Thinking about the times we made the taxi driver uncomfortable still evokes a smile from me.

Now when i remember the past week it just makes me smile and wonder. Did it really happen...it was too good to be true!

i wont forget the way you sat thinking deeply as i watched and pondered what are you thinking...

NEXT.

another letter

after i recieved a message from a guy who had vanished i wrote him this letter...

You said you would leave DavaoMay 16....but i never really knew what exactly happened to you. These are the events happened after you suddenly disappeared.

May 15 (******'s birthday) I went to Mintal because it was my friend ****'s birthday too. Before i went to mintal i met with another friend at NCCC mall so we would go to mintal together. I saw an old high school friend. We had a quick chat and i said goodbye.

**** has a sun sim so i found someone to text with my sun sim (besides the usual). He is a second year law student and he is having his summer here. I only saw him once. It was when i illegaly left the house at 1 am. hehehe. We talked, drove around...and what not. We were never close in High school but since we both can relate having few friends in Davao so i was nice talking with him. He is a little bit taller than me, kinda nerdy with his glasses and he looks like a hs guy. Anyways i am not really attracted to him or him to me. Lets just say he is my kakwentohan about stuff...so i could never really say that we are something beyond that. After driving around we snuck in at his house...after an hour or so we snuck out again and he drove me home. (hehehehe lets just say it was a close call....ALMOST).

Even though after the weird event we still text and talk about none sense things. His family has a bar near Gmall and he promised when he comes back he would treat me bottomless iced tea at their bar. He went back to manila yesterday. He still texts at 2 am. hehehe nocturnal kasi like me.

Now ill tell you about ****. He is not married but he has a ver cute daughter and domestic partner . I kinda told him about the 1 am stint with ****. Thats when things got interesting. I said it was an ALMOST...he said that he is interested to fill the gap...well obviously any guy would like that! hehehe I thought he was joking but he was really into it. he was asking about when, how, where.... i said i do not want to complicate things since he has *****. He said it was ok with her, they have this OPEN relationship. I really did not believe him since i expected that he would say that. A day later **** texted me. It suprised me because it was ok with her. She said that i shouldn't be worried about her. She said that whatever happend she wishes that we would still stay friends. I could comprehend at first what she said! Imagine...how would you react to that! Anyways fast forward to another day. I couldn't sleep so i bluntly text **** that i couldnt sleep and something was burrowing in my head. Maybe he thought i was thinking about him. He was running out of load and i didn;t want to tell him about what was bothering me so he used ***'s cell. He is another friend. This got complicated. They wanted to try a threesome! (Galing ko nu, to get myself into impossible situations like this). I knew *** was a bisexual and so said i didn't want to disturb them. **** said he was not really into ***, he was into me so i asked sino pala type ni ***...This suprised me. **** said that they both were into me. MAN they were really serious since i still have my period they were asking when will it stop...
fast forward to today...i could not really easily grant their wish becuase i could not go out at night and i have a busy schedule right now. Honestly i was considering it...it's once in a lifetime experience and maybe after that (mutagam na unta) i would cease my almost sexual exploits... but the situation is weird (**** even said it has weird characters). In reality i really couldn't fit them in my schedule. They are also busy with their gigs.

But you never know....

if ever i see you again i could show you what i learned if ever i gain any experience...hahaha
Galing ng story ko nu parang pangporn! Hay galing ko na talaga gumawa ng storya! haha boring kasi life ko. Wish though what i told was really true...ikaw daw be payag ka ba sa threesome (tapos payag pa ang asawa!)? :)

Blurry

The room was cold, the walls did not match and miss Pat’s word was already becoming insensible to me. The afternoon is becoming dull and boring. Everything was becoming blurry... i did not want to drift of to sleep so my mind found something interesting.

i was staring at the table...

like a pornflick was unfolding in front of me...

He could no longer hold on to the thin layer of reality that separates him from her intense desire. She smiled and wrapped her arms around him. She whispered gently to his ear “I want to fuck you” and kissed him on his cheek. He tried to regain control but another part of him stiffened. She backed away from him and sat on the long table. He approached her and then he hesitated but something in him broke. He hungrily kissed her yearning mouth. His tongue explored the new depths. He did not want to stop, he did not want to breathe. He forgot about everything at that time all he though of was he wanted her...

I do not want to go further and drown in my lustful narration i turn to new page of my story. i remembered the text messages i recieved from a friend. When i recieved them at first i could not comprehend. But somehow the it provoked the scene i dicribed before hand. Here are a few of them...

L. Maybe because we both know its not normal base on our society’s standard, bit I swear it doesn’t matter to me. No guilt feeling, no hurt feeling ok? We exist to live life and be happy anyway.

L. ok so its up to you don’t worry there’s nothing wrong with it guess its normal. It’s just that I don’t want you to worry about me.

L. Open relationship requires honestly or it can be consider as infidelity specially when you’re into a serious relationship. Just wana let you know that I’m aware of everything and its ok with me. Sorry if I had somehow offended you? Hope not.

These are a few text messges i recieved from her other half...

J. ok txt txt nalang ha ingat, mels no strings attached ito ha no commitment, malinaw ba? Pero frankly I like you

J. Yup, but sometimes doing it could lead to something more intimate. I may fall for you or you for me. I guess it’s the first things that we should avoid. No strings attached just plain ***. That is if you feel like doing it. Anyway I cant be your bf.

J. But of course you should be smart enough to practice it safely. Do you think you can handle some emotions that may arise after it? Im worried on tht, because you knbow im not really capabale of attending that 100% I may not married but im a family man.

J. Ok no problem with that. Its you im more concern of right now. Do you think you can handle it?

J. e til wat time curfew mo, at ok lang ba say o na magschedule tayo? Oi, sabihin mo lang kung nahaharass o naoffend k na ha masyado ata me over indulged?

"Are there any more questions from you?" Miss Pat aked the group as she finished her orientation. I had a lot on my mind but it was not really about the school and its policies. Funny she had mentioned something about it is important for a teacher to moral...

but everything is blurry.

ganda ng kulay ko di pantay hehehe

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(pangit ng background! haha)

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walang magawa sa bahay (namuni-muni with painted red tears)

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just hanging out at home at walang ligo hahaha

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temporary

sorry if i had to make my blog super simple i had a problem with the last layout design. it seems not everyone could see the blog so for the time being ill just use this.

temporary

sorry if i had to make my blog super simple i had a problem with the last layout design. it seems not everyone could see the blog so for the time being ill just use this.

blood tears

Posted by Hello

One a.m.

The wind outside is cold. Everyone is almost asleep. I could not stop checking my watch. My mind is drifting away from reality. In a few moments I know I will succumb to my secret life. I know I am now alone. Everyone has already stepped into their dream reality. Now I am waiting for someone.

There is still uncertainty if he will arrive. I could not care less. I could take my own private journey into the dark polluted waters of my tormented mind. I am accustomed to drowning in my own poisoned thoughts.

He is like a drug. He offers a superficial high. I am a dark creature who needs to be set free, roam the dark and lurk in the shadows. He could be a key to a night of utter madness and spontaneity.

The dull yellow green light was like a glow of a gem in my dark room. I knew it was him and it was time to go. I gather my camera, my keys and my rubber shoes. My heart was pounding. Carefully I went through the glass doors, the discarded gallery and into the garden. I could get caught at any moment but I really did not care. A few steps away would be temporary freedom.

I was finally standing outside the gate. The coldness welcomed me. I shy away from the yellow light of the post and hid behind the shadows. I could hear him coming.

This was not my first time to leave the house. Last time I went with a complete stranger. This time would be different. He is not really a stranger. I knew him from my past but I also know a little about who he has become...

I went inside his vehicle and we drove of.

Time did not exist. There was really no direction. Anything could happen. I stopped thinking and I just talked. Now I could not remember what we talked about. Everything happened fast but now when I think about it I am like watching a slow motion picture.

I do know how I all started. I remembered he held my hand. I was confused, if he was really after the sex he would have jumped on me and ripped my clothes. I did not know how to respond. Was it show of affection or is it his way of foreplay?

Everyday my passion has been burning my soul alive. Now I am afraid that I might burn his fragile body into ashes. I wanted to consume his flesh and drip his blood. His innocent kisses and timid caress prevented me from corrupting his soul. I was clumsy and laughed. I also knew that he did not know what to do. I just let him explore where he dared to go. I talked and tried to ignore his desire. Honestly I yearned for more.

I was actually trespassing. We were at his place. We were not alone.

Somehow the reality of time and knowledge that we could get caught prevented the ulterior motive of that night. We left and acted as if nothing happened. In my mind I was still in dark place uncovered and ripping him apart with my passion. I also knew that in his mind he was also in that dark damp place.

We are not lovers. We are not really close friends. He is my friend (I hope). I do not desire him. I also know I am not really his type. Is it that my lust is eating my sanity? Or maybe we are just two lonely people…

When I was back in my room I could sleep. I tried to digest what just happened. It really did not make sense but that is also what made it perfect.

My life is filled with moments with strangers.
I am more at home with them.

He will go back to his reality.

I do not know if it was just one night…

We will just see if one day I would claim his innocence…

I am a succubus waiting for another prey.