faux

Lately i am happy.
i know it rarely happens these days but fortunately and recently i am.
ok ok its just superficial happiness but at least i tend not be sad for the time being.

i hope tomorrow i will get to see him.
well i thought i lost him but somehow he came back...well temporarily.
he is still mean, very ungentleman but now he replies to my sms messages, he does show up, he calls me...

i do not want to think that he will leave soon
i do not want to think that...

hay sad na naman ako

i miss joe.

mundane

My life is filled with mundane things that I do not want to write about it. I wish my life is like a movie and I am the screenplay writer. I get to frame the most significant events of my life and edit out the boring rituals that fill my life. Unfortunately life is not like a movie.

When I wake up I have to pee, brush my teeth and comb my hair. I am no movie star that does not need to all those things. They just wake up looking eternally ravishing and poof fascinating things happen to them. In reality I have to think what I would do in order to make my day significant.

Boredom is my constant companion and time is my enemy.

I am always waiting, hoping, wishing and writing down things. Everyday my checklist grows but I rarely accomplish what is in my checklist. Still I write down things to do.

What I have written so far is like my life. It has no focus and direction. I just write down what pops in my head. I need to concentrate…

Luckily no one really reads my shit so I can be chaotic and disorganized as I want to be. This is just my therapy.

I know I have been obsessing about being depressed and suicidal that if I had been paid to do these shit I would have been rich by now. People are not paid to be said. People are paid to do work. When I am already at my wits end and probably I was already on the edge of my sanity my flushed red boy comes along.

He does not really alleviate my pain but still I succumb with his promise of fun. He is like a certain candy with a sweet addictive taste and acid sour aftertaste. I really want to get him out of my system. Specially when he is going away and he will probably leave me here to rot in my dismay.

First I must list down things why is should forget about him. This is my top ten.
He is always uncertain about everything.
He denies everything
He ceases to find ways to disappoint me
He is very immature
He is afraid of being caught
He wants my framed graduation picture
I can not really sure if he is loyal
He will never fight for me
I think that he does not think about me like the way I think about him
I have to share him with everyone!!!!

I know that I am very self destructive. I do not seem to want to be happy. He always causes my heart to ache but still! I admit it I am stupid. Super duper stupid. Hope he will ran away with his best friend and leave me be. But if he will do that I will be super sad and not just be sad I will be depressed. Hmm not a bad idea though. Maybe this time I would finally have the guts to actually put into action my suicidal ideas. But then again…I know I would not do that. I’ll just write about it or make an art about it.

I love being this dark doomed character.

dday

I think I am going insane. All I want to do is either evaporate in thin air or mourn my pitiful existence. I do not feel that I am human any longer. I feel like pathetic scum of the earth. I am a sorry excuse for a human being. I hope God would take my life and recycle my life force into more useful living things.

I do not want to pretend any longer. I realized that my happiness is just a candy coating of my rotting demented soul. Maybe I prefer hell; maybe I m a better off being a dark creature that roam in the depths of earth rather than a human being with constricted and contrived freewill.

I will be honest I will no longer hide things I will say it all out

I am tired of answering questions why my parents treat me like this…even I myself do not know why they treat me like a little girl. I am tired of pretending that I am doing ok when I know I am a complete failure. I admit I envy everyone. I envy my friends they have jobs they lives they can do what they want and they act their age. I envy anyone who have specific special someone. I envy people who are not afraid to live their lives.

I want to run away.

I want to go to sleep and never wake up.

I want to lose consciousness.

I want to be transported to another dimension.

I want to lose myself.

I want to cease to exist.

Life is short and I have wasted mine…

Everyday my mind is wasting away Little by little I lost hope Everywhere I look all I could see the superficial happiness Somehow I have lost my inspiration I am just waiting for my death.

That would be a very good present to me.

explination

i have been lazy lately and so i just post pictures with out any explination of what so ever. So this is how i try to make it up...hehehe

i had a 6 day scriptwriting workshop...it happened weeks ago. The picture i have posted is the picture of the whole group on the last day of the workshop.

the next set of pictures are my recent pictures of me going to the samal island (i wish though that i had been to boracay and not samal). Parang kami nagdate ni Honey, the one in the picture. it was suppose to be a barkada outing but since ako lang free so kami lang dalawa ni Honey.

the last picture is the graduation picture of brian. hehehehe (Ang cute nu? Sarap patayin! hehehe). brian is east (if you remember...).

hay so boring so far....

me and honey at the beach (nagdate kami)

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samal

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scriptwriting workshop

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