summer picture no. 2

Posted by Hello

summer pictures no. 1

Posted by Hello

Past

The summer is almost over...
Every one seems to be disolving into a dark tinted past.

School is going to start and somehow i am already facing the reality that i am really going to be an art teacher. I had my teaching demo today. For my standards it was definitely a crappy demo. I had no eye contact with the students, my voice wasn't loud enough, i forgot some things to say, in a middle of a sentence i just drifted off... but i guess the school is really in need of new teacher that even though it was so crappy they said it was ok.

I got to so many forms to fill out, worhsops to attend, people to see (divsion chair, principals, students, the HRD etc.) and i have to smile A LOT. I hope i will survive the school year.

At least i would be preoccupied thinking about lesson plans and how to kiss ass with the school officials and i guess i hope i would not think that i am missing a lot in life. Honestly i am sad. Honey is busy with job hunting and a new bf. Chella is going to be busy with basically same reasons. Dodie is still definitely busy with Kitz and the Katribu. Megg will start school soon. Kyle will go back to Manila. Rachel as usual busy with everything. hmmm....hay my few friends. i on the hand is stuck with my students. I really need to have new friends.

my passion is burning out...
my future is fading...
everyone is leaving me...
all i have is my dreams...

a love letter

i made this love letter for someone sometime ago...
he never got to read the letter but thats okay i wrote the letter to satisfy my writing needs.
anyways the contents of the letter is no longer true so i do care if the world reads it hehehe

I knew now that I fell in love with an idea.

How I wish I am in a movie and in the end everything would be ok…but life is not a movie.

I may not be the person that you want to spend your whole life with
I may not be the person who knows you well
I may not be the person whom you have spent a whole night
I may not be the person whom you said the kindest and dearest words

I am not your best friend
I am not your close friend

I don’t know if it’s even right to call me your girl friend
All I know that I have been part of your life since forever

Years ago when you said that you liked me more that you should I was confused but also fascinated by your honestly

I was afraid then and so I let myself be swept away

Now years later and you have become a person I knew less
A lot have happened to you

Just when I thought that you forgot
Just when I thought that you outgrew me

I realized that you are still there

I don’t know if your are waiting or simply just
Be there for me…

I fell in love with the thought that you could have chosen me over other things
I fell in love with the idea that you would fight for me
I fell in love with the idea that you would disregard social norms just to be with me

But as you have said that was then when you were more innocent with the ways of the world

Now you are older
And hopefully more matured

You said you see life in a lighter way
And maybe you stopped being a mindless hopeful romantic
You live by a day and not think of the future

Now that I am back

Just when I thought I meet the guy who was there for me five years ago

I met a whole different guy

I am insane and I believe in bursts of passion, hasty decisions, spur of the moment inspirations, and people throwing away values for love
Yes I became my worst nightmare

Reality is cruel

What started to be a controlled experiment became unpredictable, irrepressible…
I lost control

I did not meant to tell everyone

I thought I lost you
You were never there

It was just a cheap thrill but I wanted to validate myself to you and to everyone
I wanted to tell you that I still exist and hopefully you have not forgotten

You do not say anything most of the time

I do now know you
You keep everything from me
I do not know if you really want to be with me or rather be with someone else

You know I always felt left out by your world
I feel that I could never understand you as the sun does
She does know you better

Both of you have certain chemistry and no one can ever take away that from both of you

Now I am paying for the mistakes that I had done

I am alone again.

I am so stupid that I fell in love with an idea

My life is so empty that I am willing to pretend that I have this secret love affair with a guy who loves me very much and who will do everything for me
He would fight the fire breathing dragons
He would sweep me off my feet and whisk me on to his white stallion and ride away towards the sunset

I know you don’t love me

I you don’t care if you would lose me tomorrow

I know you could not care less

I am just trouble for you.

But why I am still pretending…

You are now in a crossroad towards your future and I hope you good luck, God bless and everything good

Maybe it is good that you are going away
…you would not be sucked into my pretend world.
…you would not be face judgment
…you would face a future with out me upsetting that
…I would be forced to face a blank wall

I always get silence from you and I know I will never know what you are thinking

And

I know it could be a lie but let me have my dream

Let me have my secret

Let me think that you the one

And so I ask will you lie for me even for the last time…


Or tell me the truth

05062005

Saturday Night

another Saturday and i am still stuck at home.
how pathetic my life is!
i am happy at least no one really reads my crap so i just tell all the shitty things about me and no one would care. Yey....

Next week would be one crazy week. On Monday i am going to have my demo for my teaching stint at PWC. On Wednesday there would be a general meeting of teachers and from Wednesday to Friday will be (another yawn) seminar. June 13 will be the start of classes and so i hope i still have time for myself.

lately my days have become more weird.

From my late night excapades [not actually secapades but i wish it had been (naughty, naughty)] to my weird encouter with grade school teachers (i should not be saying bad stuff about them since one of these days i will be like them [NOOOOO!!!!}]).

i would be living this double sided life. The art teacher and the dark moody creature called melissa (hehehe). Art teacher by day and dark crusader (as if) by night....

i know ill be this goody two shoes teacher who kiss ass the people in authority (nakakatamad din magsmile lagi nu). my students would see me as their art teacher...i hope they would see me as the cute, pretty, smart and beautiful teacher (yabang nu!).

they do know that i am really this depressed, obsessed, paranoid, temperemental, indifferent, weird, and insane person who is always up to something vile (bwahahahaha [evil laugh]).

At least i hope my life would be interesting that way.

bye social life though...as if i had one in the first place.

A new Page

In a few weeks time I have managed to wreak havoc to people I have recently became close. My boredom lead me to do things no one in the right mind would do. I did not kill anyone. I did not commit any crime but I did break rules and raised a couple of eyebrows.

The more my parents try to restrict my actions the more I want to break free. I love bending and breaking rules but I must learn the art of never getting caught. Well I have been careless and that lead other people to trouble. (Maybe that is the reason why my parents do no want me wander the streets because I might cause mass destruction and mayhem).

I guess I will stop playing mind games with other human beings. Sad to say I lost the people I recently became close and so I am back to square one. I guess I’ll just find another set of friends. This time I will try not to fuck up their lives.

This is goodbye to Ligaya who will never cease to amaze me and challenge me (to do more evil? Hehehe), good bye to Brian who I successfully frightened away (good luck sa board exam mo), good bye to Miguel who got tired of my tirade (hope you are doing fine with your med. rep. training), good bye to Kristofer (who is eternally horny), good bye to Chloris who never stopped caring for Marlon (now you’ll never worry about his loyalty), good bye to Marlon (do not take Chloris for granted! Okies?). I forgot Kyle (hehehe my found textmate and…hehehe).

I am thankful though that even after what happened there are still people there for me. Joe (who amazingly still loves me [very thankful for that]), Dodie (who never stopped listening to my insanities), Honey, Rochella, and Rachelle (always gives me hope and believes in me even though I am a crappy artist).

In a few weeks classes will start.

I will be an art teacher.

I hope that this time things would work out fine...I hope I would not corrupt the innocent minds that is entrusted to me.

This time I will try not to be bad…(hehehe can’t help it kasi its good to be bad sometimes…hehehe)

ala lang

i have not been posting stuff because my life turned another 180 degrees again.
so now everything under renovation...