a love letter

i made this love letter for someone sometime ago...
he never got to read the letter but thats okay i wrote the letter to satisfy my writing needs.
anyways the contents of the letter is no longer true so i do care if the world reads it hehehe

I knew now that I fell in love with an idea.

How I wish I am in a movie and in the end everything would be ok…but life is not a movie.

I may not be the person that you want to spend your whole life with
I may not be the person who knows you well
I may not be the person whom you have spent a whole night
I may not be the person whom you said the kindest and dearest words

I am not your best friend
I am not your close friend

I don’t know if it’s even right to call me your girl friend
All I know that I have been part of your life since forever

Years ago when you said that you liked me more that you should I was confused but also fascinated by your honestly

I was afraid then and so I let myself be swept away

Now years later and you have become a person I knew less
A lot have happened to you

Just when I thought that you forgot
Just when I thought that you outgrew me

I realized that you are still there

I don’t know if your are waiting or simply just
Be there for me…

I fell in love with the thought that you could have chosen me over other things
I fell in love with the idea that you would fight for me
I fell in love with the idea that you would disregard social norms just to be with me

But as you have said that was then when you were more innocent with the ways of the world

Now you are older
And hopefully more matured

You said you see life in a lighter way
And maybe you stopped being a mindless hopeful romantic
You live by a day and not think of the future

Now that I am back

Just when I thought I meet the guy who was there for me five years ago

I met a whole different guy

I am insane and I believe in bursts of passion, hasty decisions, spur of the moment inspirations, and people throwing away values for love
Yes I became my worst nightmare

Reality is cruel

What started to be a controlled experiment became unpredictable, irrepressible…
I lost control

I did not meant to tell everyone

I thought I lost you
You were never there

It was just a cheap thrill but I wanted to validate myself to you and to everyone
I wanted to tell you that I still exist and hopefully you have not forgotten

You do not say anything most of the time

I do now know you
You keep everything from me
I do not know if you really want to be with me or rather be with someone else

You know I always felt left out by your world
I feel that I could never understand you as the sun does
She does know you better

Both of you have certain chemistry and no one can ever take away that from both of you

Now I am paying for the mistakes that I had done

I am alone again.

I am so stupid that I fell in love with an idea

My life is so empty that I am willing to pretend that I have this secret love affair with a guy who loves me very much and who will do everything for me
He would fight the fire breathing dragons
He would sweep me off my feet and whisk me on to his white stallion and ride away towards the sunset

I know you don’t love me

I you don’t care if you would lose me tomorrow

I know you could not care less

I am just trouble for you.

But why I am still pretending…

You are now in a crossroad towards your future and I hope you good luck, God bless and everything good

Maybe it is good that you are going away
…you would not be sucked into my pretend world.
…you would not be face judgment
…you would face a future with out me upsetting that
…I would be forced to face a blank wall

I always get silence from you and I know I will never know what you are thinking

And

I know it could be a lie but let me have my dream

Let me have my secret

Let me think that you the one

And so I ask will you lie for me even for the last time…


Or tell me the truth

05062005