letter for DW

DW

It has been a very busy week for me with all the shooting, editing, school activities and other stuff. My life force seemed drained by everything. Amidst everything I am still caught in a flux of some sort with my personal peace. There is still a part of me that can not let you go… I am sorry. I know I should. The story with the two of us has ended and I know I should be starting to write a new chapter in my life.

Yesterday was a very emotional day for me. I went to *****’s house with my other friend ******. He did not know that we would visit him. It was really ******’s idea maybe she wanted to me and ***** to talk whatever. I did not talk. I was silent most of the time. I was thinking and drifting. I felt really displaced. The two were talking and I was just there listening. I felt like I was little kid listening to adults talking.

We stayed at ***** house for almost 6 hours. It rained hard so we were stuck there. When the rain poured I wanted to run in the rain. Feel the cold rain wash away all my troubles. I was really tempted. After the rain I was sad. The rain made me drift off to somewhere nice. When the rain stopped I was forced to feel the cold and the emptiness of reality. I was sitting by the doorstep. I cried.

I cried for many reasons…

***** was the one pacifying me and asking me what was wrong. He was saying I shouldn’t think too much my problems. I did not speak I just wept.

Somehow I recovered and continued listening to their talk. I lay on the cold floor of ****’s sala. He was laying at my left and ****** was sitting at my right reading a book. I slept at 3 am and woke up at 6:30. I did not have enough sleep so I did not notice that I had drifted to sleep. I was awoken with Fritz touching my hair. I also realized that I was holding a part of his shorts.

He asked why I cut my hair. “Kasi mainit.” I bluntly answered. He laughed. “Mainit? Eh ang lamig lamig ngayon. Di nga ako naiinitan sa buhok ko.” She also agreed with him.

I was sad leaving his place because I knew that I was going to be my last time to go to that place. The song Kwarto of sugerfree popped in my mind.

I still do not know the whole story about me and him but I do not want to probe any longer. I am contented with just being friends with him. It was good bye.

Today I am going to keep all you’re the stuff that reminds me of you. I am glad that I had stopped wearing our ring because I had been wearing it when I learned that you already have a new special somehow I would definitely break my heart. It is time to let you go. You know ****** said that the thing with ***** was just my hang-ups with you. Right now I could not stop my tears.

I know I am selfish for feeling this way. I had been with guys and while you were alone there in Manila. I am happy you find someone who would take of you my DW bear. I hope she would not hurt you like I did for a couple of times. I am happy that she is nice unlike the guys that I have been. You deserve someone good unlike me I do not deserve people like you. I guess I should burry RG. She no longer exists.

I will never forget the time you hugged me for the last time when I left for Davao. The time you accompanied me to the airport for my flight for Davao.

I am still happy that I had shared four years with you. I will always treasure those times. You know you will always be in my heart. I would always want a second chance. I would never stop hoping that one day I would cross paths with you.

I guess this is my last I love you.

RG

Displaced

I feel I am always displaced.

Last night I went to MTS. Sugarfree for free. I did not really go for that reason. Actually I really have no concrete reason for going there. I even dragged my sister with. I shouldn’t have. It turned out that I was not the only one displaced. I could feel that my sister was already bored. She has no one to talk to. I wanted her to have a social life…so I thought that maybe…just maybe. I am a crappy ATE.

Anyways that not only the gist of the whole dilemma. I saw a person I really want to talk to. A person I still have issues I have to resolve. I couldn’t abandon my sister and I knew he does not want to be with me alone (baka rapin ko daw haha). My mind was drifting. Toto even noticed that I was deeply thinking about something.

For the past week I have been like that. Everyday was getting worse. I was sleeping less, I no longer made my lesson plans, I did not check the plates of my students and everything no longer mattered. I am literally a wreck. In school everyone could also observe that I was most of the time staring at empty space. I am in deep shit right now. Maybe the faculty is already talking about me how I am a crappy art teacher. I do not logged in or logged out. I do not attend meetings. I was on time only once this week. Tons of other little things a teacher like me should not be doing.
But I do not really give a FUCK!!!

This is definitely my first time to be this dispersed when I comes to love crap… most of time I seems to be in control but right now it is spiraling down to oblivion. Now I know I have a first hand experience being heart broken.

If you ask why I am heart broken…

I took a risk, followed my best friend’s advice and made certain my feelings…
Anyone who knows me well knows that I have a hard time expressing love.
I don’t do telling everyone I love them. When I say it I really mean it and I definitely took courage doing that.

Ironic the time I finally forget all my biases and just told out loud what I was really holding back…my friend said that he might be thinking that I am insincere.

Sometimes I am tired of having feelings that I want to be numb.

When you are certain, you know what you want…you also know what hinders you from that reality you want to achieve. That broke my heart. Even though I would give up everything for him I still knew that in the end he would not choose me. Maybe I am just too critical, negative and pessimistic…but when I think about that…all I want to do is weep my heart and soul out.

But I still have hope. I do not stop wishing, dreaming and imaging a world with you.

Even though I am hurting I still have to continue my pathetic existence. The pain has not vanished but somehow it has ebbed into a tolerable throb…

Seeing you yesterday…definitely another story.

I could see he was slowly disintegrating in front of me. Am I poison for him?

The first person I fell head over heels with is also the person I am hurting with my presence. I just want him to be ok even it means I won’t see him again. I want to see him magtumbling tumbling again on the grassy park of MTS.

I do not know what to do.

Hurting
Drowning
Displaced
Surviving
Hoping
Wishing
Dreaming
Praying

I could not undo my sins
I just want you to be alright

white paint

I bought a new can of white paint…

Staring at open space
Trying to be stoic
Senses are crashing
Feelings are denied
Running away
Forgetting everything
Walls are closing in
Floor is crumbling
Hues are disappearing

Inspiration is escaping
Trying hard to clasp and hold on
Gathering last strength
Giving up everything
Hoping for the living
Lost its importance
Living a lie
Creating an illusion
Shy away from the truth

Losing the battle
Becoming nothing
Getting hurt
Enduring the pain
Savoring the throbbing
Writing another tragedy
Filling the pages with lies
Undoing the compassion
Exhaling the euphoria

And painted over the red walls of my humanity.

My shoes are muddy.

My footsteps leave behind a trail of disintegrated hopes and dreams.
The clouds have gathered and I had purposely left behind my umbrella
at the train station.
Everything is becoming numb grey.
I could see you standing under the shade.
I could see you are waiting for someone.
The rain started pouring.
I stood unfazed.
My soul is drenched with superficial darkness.
The cold is wrapping me with its strong hypnotic embrace.
I am afraid that you are waiting for me.
It has been a year.
A lot have happened.
Deep in your heart you have lost love for me.
I have become this putrid hag.
You have lost the innocent delicate princess you once loved.
I want to see you and undo the past year.
Reality is my enemy.
My being is now corrupted.
I have lost my luster.
Tears fall.
You finally saw me.
I knew you were waiting for me.
In your eyes I could see you are hurting.
I took out a bejeweled dagger and plunged it into my heart.
My soul escaped by body.
Life is lost.
I lay motionless in a puddle of mud and blood.


But my heart did not stop beating.