Displaced
I feel I am always displaced.
Last night I went to MTS. Sugarfree for free. I did not really go for that reason. Actually I really have no concrete reason for going there. I even dragged my sister with. I shouldn’t have. It turned out that I was not the only one displaced. I could feel that my sister was already bored. She has no one to talk to. I wanted her to have a social life…so I thought that maybe…just maybe. I am a crappy ATE.
Anyways that not only the gist of the whole dilemma. I saw a person I really want to talk to. A person I still have issues I have to resolve. I couldn’t abandon my sister and I knew he does not want to be with me alone (baka rapin ko daw haha). My mind was drifting. Toto even noticed that I was deeply thinking about something.
For the past week I have been like that. Everyday was getting worse. I was sleeping less, I no longer made my lesson plans, I did not check the plates of my students and everything no longer mattered. I am literally a wreck. In school everyone could also observe that I was most of the time staring at empty space. I am in deep shit right now. Maybe the faculty is already talking about me how I am a crappy art teacher. I do not logged in or logged out. I do not attend meetings. I was on time only once this week. Tons of other little things a teacher like me should not be doing.
But I do not really give a FUCK!!!
This is definitely my first time to be this dispersed when I comes to love crap… most of time I seems to be in control but right now it is spiraling down to oblivion. Now I know I have a first hand experience being heart broken.
If you ask why I am heart broken…
I took a risk, followed my best friend’s advice and made certain my feelings…
Anyone who knows me well knows that I have a hard time expressing love.
I don’t do telling everyone I love them. When I say it I really mean it and I definitely took courage doing that.
Ironic the time I finally forget all my biases and just told out loud what I was really holding back…my friend said that he might be thinking that I am insincere.
Sometimes I am tired of having feelings that I want to be numb.
When you are certain, you know what you want…you also know what hinders you from that reality you want to achieve. That broke my heart. Even though I would give up everything for him I still knew that in the end he would not choose me. Maybe I am just too critical, negative and pessimistic…but when I think about that…all I want to do is weep my heart and soul out.
But I still have hope. I do not stop wishing, dreaming and imaging a world with you.
Even though I am hurting I still have to continue my pathetic existence. The pain has not vanished but somehow it has ebbed into a tolerable throb…
Seeing you yesterday…definitely another story.
I could see he was slowly disintegrating in front of me. Am I poison for him?
The first person I fell head over heels with is also the person I am hurting with my presence. I just want him to be ok even it means I won’t see him again. I want to see him magtumbling tumbling again on the grassy park of MTS.
I do not know what to do.
Hurting
Drowning
Displaced
Surviving
Hoping
Wishing
Dreaming
Praying
I could not undo my sins
I just want you to be alright
Last night I went to MTS. Sugarfree for free. I did not really go for that reason. Actually I really have no concrete reason for going there. I even dragged my sister with. I shouldn’t have. It turned out that I was not the only one displaced. I could feel that my sister was already bored. She has no one to talk to. I wanted her to have a social life…so I thought that maybe…just maybe. I am a crappy ATE.
Anyways that not only the gist of the whole dilemma. I saw a person I really want to talk to. A person I still have issues I have to resolve. I couldn’t abandon my sister and I knew he does not want to be with me alone (baka rapin ko daw haha). My mind was drifting. Toto even noticed that I was deeply thinking about something.
For the past week I have been like that. Everyday was getting worse. I was sleeping less, I no longer made my lesson plans, I did not check the plates of my students and everything no longer mattered. I am literally a wreck. In school everyone could also observe that I was most of the time staring at empty space. I am in deep shit right now. Maybe the faculty is already talking about me how I am a crappy art teacher. I do not logged in or logged out. I do not attend meetings. I was on time only once this week. Tons of other little things a teacher like me should not be doing.
But I do not really give a FUCK!!!
This is definitely my first time to be this dispersed when I comes to love crap… most of time I seems to be in control but right now it is spiraling down to oblivion. Now I know I have a first hand experience being heart broken.
If you ask why I am heart broken…
I took a risk, followed my best friend’s advice and made certain my feelings…
Anyone who knows me well knows that I have a hard time expressing love.
I don’t do telling everyone I love them. When I say it I really mean it and I definitely took courage doing that.
Ironic the time I finally forget all my biases and just told out loud what I was really holding back…my friend said that he might be thinking that I am insincere.
Sometimes I am tired of having feelings that I want to be numb.
When you are certain, you know what you want…you also know what hinders you from that reality you want to achieve. That broke my heart. Even though I would give up everything for him I still knew that in the end he would not choose me. Maybe I am just too critical, negative and pessimistic…but when I think about that…all I want to do is weep my heart and soul out.
But I still have hope. I do not stop wishing, dreaming and imaging a world with you.
Even though I am hurting I still have to continue my pathetic existence. The pain has not vanished but somehow it has ebbed into a tolerable throb…
Seeing you yesterday…definitely another story.
I could see he was slowly disintegrating in front of me. Am I poison for him?
The first person I fell head over heels with is also the person I am hurting with my presence. I just want him to be ok even it means I won’t see him again. I want to see him magtumbling tumbling again on the grassy park of MTS.
I do not know what to do.
Hurting
Drowning
Displaced
Surviving
Hoping
Wishing
Dreaming
Praying
I could not undo my sins
I just want you to be alright
posted by miles0282 at 4:38 PM
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