Ngitngit na Paghunahuna

my first attempt at rendering

2006-09-06T17:29:00.000-07:00

poisoned apple with a red wine glass

2006-09-06T02:10:00.000-07:00

orange

2006-09-06T02:07:00.000-07:00

blonde

2006-09-06T02:05:00.000-07:00

another ending

2005-12-30T20:45:00.000-08:00

i am faced again with another ending
i look deep in myself
i remember the tears
the pain
a past tainted with shackled love

i look up
i see the sky turn into grey
i become dust
a million part of me swept into the moonlight
i make a silent wish

i unclasped my worries
i bid farewell
i kissed the your forehead
i wept my last tear

this maybe the end
my time with you is over
everything is not lost

you think i forget
but i will always remeber

2005-12-27T12:26:00.000-08:00

before i bleached my hair

Posted by Picasa

2005-12-27T12:25:00.000-08:00

cool hair

Posted by Picasa

2005-12-27T12:24:00.000-08:00

pogi ko

Posted by Picasa

2005-12-22T20:28:00.000-08:00

solarized

Posted by Picasa

2005-12-22T20:16:00.000-08:00

ngee nakatsinelas pala ako

Posted by Picasa

2005-12-22T20:04:00.001-08:00

yellow hair fixing her tie

Posted by Picasa

2005-12-22T20:04:00.000-08:00

yellow hair in the tunnel of ....

Posted by Picasa

2005-12-22T20:02:00.000-08:00

yellow hair featuring dahon

Posted by Picasa

2005-12-22T20:00:00.000-08:00

yellow hair

Posted by Picasa

2005-12-16T20:41:00.000-08:00

bago gising

Posted by Picasa

My road to damnation

2005-12-16T20:38:00.000-08:00

I walk on the tired earth
Everyone cannot hold still
Lives flicker before me
Polluted air fills my lungs
My feet are tired
Strangers are my constant companion
The trail tracks is my home
Rain does not replenish the land

Purgatory set in hell

2005-10-14T13:09:00.000-07:00

don't i look cute or not?

Posted by Picasa

Difficult Lessons

2005-10-14T12:21:00.000-07:00

i can not sleep.

i am tired, my back is aching, i have a briused jaw and also a knee. i got lots of things to do and i do not know where to start.

if i had time these things i would probably do...

i want to clear Toto's name. People of the world! i want all of you to know that whatever lies being spread around not one is even half true. I want to say to Mrs. B. that Toto did not take advantage of me or my family what so ever. People only heard demented versions of the truth.

i want to tell my best friend no matter happens i will be here. i have never judged you nor the girl you love. I will always be your friend no matter what. i ask apology whatever wrong i have done.

i want to hang out with Rolyn and this time ill be the one who will make her laugh.

i want to have time with my high school barkada honey and chella. Even though sometimes we think differently but we never argue. we just laugh at our problems.

i want to spend more time with my sister. So many malls to shop so little time.

i want to hang out with Karl and get to know Renyboy even better. Just when Renyboy started to open up i have to go away.

i want to have lots of bonding time with Rose, Nikki, Bubbles and even Kate. i will definitely miss you guys.

i want to bully Mark some more....bitin pa kasi ako.

i want to make Tom's life hell. Joke.

i want to say goodbye to my students especially the little ones.

i want to join the guerilla filmaking three.

i want to help Kenth in his projects.

i want to tag along with Rachel and help her out with her various projects.

i want to tell anyone who hates me i am not a slut just a tease. hehehe

i want to go to sleep...

and have world peace?

hehehe

Freak

2005-10-09T08:58:00.000-07:00

you know i have a reputation with the girls...

i can not understand why?

Am I that gwapo?

hehehe

ok ok ok

i know i look like a cute guy at times but please im still a little girl at heart.

maybe a girl who tends to skip around

blow bubbles

tries to sing a tune

and sometimes unknowingly tramples a couple of wild flowers along the way.

"Sorry itsybitsy flower"

sometimes i want to say

but most of the time i dont even see that i have stepped on one.

What the hell am i saying?

hehehe

just me and my nonsense ranting.

besides no reads my blog...

i used to wish that someone would somtimes check my blog
as they say be careful of what you wish for.

a girl once called me a black window spider

im more of a praying mantis!

hahahaha

ill eat my mate alive literally
so if you are still alive
then you have not yet met who i really am...

do praying mantis eat wild flowers for breakfast?

Yes

i am a freak

So this is how it all ends. We are all strangers in a dark cinema.

2005-10-09T08:54:00.000-07:00

I only got a week to go until I am exiled somewhere…

I want to finish everything in one week

….the grades
….the clearance
….packing
…saying goodbye

Sad to say I could not do everything in one week
When I could not…I mean I could never say goodbye to my friends…or what’s let of them.

When I came back to Davao I thought I was finally home.
I realized that this is no longer my home.
Nothing feels right anymore.
I am plainly just an alien.
(Somebody arrest me!)

I though I finally found friends people who warmly accepted me as who I am.
Well I did found true friends and I am very thankful for them.
But sadly my life is not a fairytale…well even fairytales have witches in them.

My life suddenly became what could be a very
VERY interesting art film.

I wanted to fix things but that would only tangle the web of complicated interrelationships.

Some would see this as running away

But I really did not have a choice when I am now being shipped back to Manila.

I used to wish to be back there.

Funny.

Now I have to be dragged there kicking and screaming.

Tinted Specs

2005-10-05T08:39:00.000-07:00

Another empty page
I’m drowning in the stillness of white
A minute ago I had pressed the delete button
Trying to undo the unwritten
The white blank screen does not cleanse me
It reminds me of my emptiness
What will I write tomorrow
When I died yesterday
And born today
I do not want to think
I do not want to remember
I woke up today in a nightmare
But my nightmares are sugarcoated
I could never deny my dark side
It fuels my insane creativity
No one could change me
Although I am better
But that does not mean I am less corrupt
I do not want someone holding me
I do not want someone loving me
Kiss me goodbye
I set you free
Swim in a future untainted by me
Let me cross the unlit streets
Let me wander in the dark
You had shown me the light
But you didn’t know that I was wearing tinted specs
Someone said that I love too much my freedom
Close your eyes
Count to ten
One
Two
Three…

Ten
You won’t see me
On the ground I left something
A piece of torn flesh
Beating
BreathingEternally loving

Two Ends of a Spectrum

2005-10-01T09:35:00.000-07:00

I can not stop thinking about him.

He makes me want to paint
He makes me believe
He makes me try to be positive
He makes me more mature

I can not stop thinking about him

He makes me want to write
He makes me forget
He makes me don’t give a damn
He makes me laugh out like a little girl

The feeling of his frail body
The feeling of his lithe body
His hard working hands
His soft palms
The security the emanates from him
The comfort of his embrace

I love listening to his strong grounded ideas
His unfailing belief in productivity
And the growing love that never ceases to flow

I love listening to his endless rant of senseless insanities
His distinct perception of the world
And his presence that will be always be there when I need it.

Both looking through two different perspectives
Underneath it all
I love them both…

Try to Be Sane Again

2005-10-01T09:28:00.000-07:00

Today was my last day being the Art Teacher. As I walk the familiar paved pathways of my youth this is my second time saying farewell to this pathways. Nine years ago I made a promise that I would never set foot again on these pathways but I was wrong. You can never predict the future. I am not saying that I will never set foot again on this so called educator’s soil; I am not that naïve. If ever I would come back it would be a good retrospective of my past.

From the start I knew I would cause a stir on the said institution I am about to depart. They thought they knew me well because they thought I had shared a part of my life in those walls but I am not that promising little grade six student anymore. Walls could not contain me any longer. Restrictions only breathe more life into my insurgence of squared ideas. I am sorry that I have disappointed them all…wait I do not want to ask for apologies. I am what I am.

I just hate going away with lies painted all over the place. I want to clear my dear Toto’s name. He is not what they think he is. I guess it is just time that we flee that place and let them all rot in the lies they want to believe.

I have small time left in Davao. I will be shipped off again to Manila. My last moments in Davao I want to spend it with the cherished friends that I have found for the past months.

Maybe I will try another fresh start. Try to be sane again.

ggb

2005-09-24T08:53:00.000-07:00

one friend said hirap talaga pagGGB...gulo gulo ang buhay. i do know how i do it but i always end up in a very complicated predicament... Im a creep. Im an A hole i dont belong here... sitting in front of the computer with puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks all i could do i write the candy coated nightmare i am in. i am losing my friends. My parents hate me. My sister is worried sick about me. someone i love is suffering because of me. What have i become? i have become a monster...that the world does not need. i feel the world would be better with out me in it. i have failed my students. i am not like this. i do not usually abbandon my responsibilities or forsaken what i believe in. Somehow the turn of events made into this dark being that even i am appaled by its existence. i want to ask for forgiveness and turn back time... what is done is done. i could not easily have a fresh start. my life is tainted black ubusin ko man lahat ng chlorox sa world. i would try though...even though i want to die badly i could never take my own life. somehow i do not want to give up. no matter how bad people said about me i do not believe in those things. they do not know me. i am not those things. if only they have given me a chance. but putrid creatures like me should be given a second chance? i should be burned alive. if this is my last day this is my messages for people... rachel: i do miss you. i got lots to tell you. i really want to join but the way things are going i do not know if i could. if you see .... you know who tell him na hope he is doing ok. rachel di naman talaga kita ipagpapalit kahit kanino nu! kaw pa one of the few precious friends that i have. rolin: andidto! uy di kita nakalimutan. ikaw pa! hehhe you never fail to make me laugh. tapos galing mo pa magbigay na advice...and those qoutes. hehehe continue being cute and cudly sa mga friends mo. hehehe dodi: uy happy birthday pala. may gift gud ako sa yo. kitz: hope you wud let me explain. sorry na whatever it is. karl: you are always there maski parang feeling ko na abandon na ako ng lahat ng tao. you kept me san and never lose hope. toto: dami ko kasalanan sa yo. hope you would never give up on me. our love is more than what it seems meg: sorry talaga na parang nagdrift away ako sa yo. i did not say na si toto lang nakakaintindi sa akin. di kasi ako nakakauwi sa bahay kaya di tayo nakakapagusap. kita na lang tayo sa himas land. parents: sorry for all the inconviniences i brought you. sorry if i could never fit the perfect daughter. i wish i could have been a better one. joe: i know di ka nagbabasa ng blog pero anyways i still write you a message. No matter what happen friends naman talaga tayo, you should not hesitate to telll me anything. ikaw isa mga tao i could easily open up. gf ni joe: you should take good care of him kasi he is a very pure hearted spongebob seahorse. hehehe i know he loves you. brian: ayusin mo yan board exam mo! bka kung ano ano na ginagawa mo dyan sa cebu. nikki, kate and rose: salamat for being there for me when i needed someone to talk to. you treated me as your barkada and not a teacher. di naman talaga nyo ako teacher in the first place. jervy: take care of her. thanks pala sa pagtulong judge ng contest winners. mrs. b: good luck sa pagaayos ng FA. sorry kung nagquit ako. Tom: hoy may kasalanan ka pa sa akin. kung mamatay ko karun ikaw una nako multuhon! biboy: di talaga kita makalimutan. musta ka na kaya. cute cute na siguro ng baby mo. hope ill see you soon. mia c: hoy miss na kita! hirap pala talaga magteacher! sana may mabalitaan ako sa you soon. mon: ano nangyari sa yo? miss ko na chat natin! hay dami ko chika sa yo as in! elaine: happy ako nagtext sa akin. mona, love, mylene and eva: kayo talaga mga friends ko sa faculty. sensya na kung medyo di ako nakakasalamuha sa inyo lately. ang dami pa ko gusto sulat... gawa siguro ako ng part two.

awoken by the TV

2005-09-15T09:15:00.000-07:00

The image was at first blurry. I had just woken up from my sleep. Disoriented and fazed at first but the familiar face on TV made me realize that it was you on TV. Somehow your face ignited a thousand images of the past. Like watching a silent movie in slow motion I saw a blink of time frozen in memory. The fresh smell of incense assaulted my senses. I closed my eyes and opened my mind into another reality. I could feel again the texture of your hair and the renewed feeling of stolen moments…I opened my eyes and saw a new reality that what I just saw was a past I have abandoned. A new thirst to see you awakened but bitter aftertaste of my present predicament burned my wanting.

I turned off the TV.

I opened the computer. I wrote about what I had seen but instead I wrote about a tormented love story printed in frustration. I know I am running away again from my present complicated web of exhausted survival. Sleep is absorbing again all my energies. The delicate music of choice somehow alleviates the need to rest. No time to rest. Tomorrow will be another day of constant flux of my sanity. I must arm myself with replenished hope. I must unbind the chains of authority. My hands are already bleeding. I can no longer live between two worlds or I will lose sight of my uncertain future.

Even though I am in deep tribulations my insatiable passion for creativity still fuels my struggle to live life.

Linger

2005-08-08T03:28:00.000-07:00

I do really want to linger on love but still all my entries are about love!

Despite my busy schedule surprisingly I am still able to get myself into complex relationships. Is it my knack of getting myself into deep shit?

Funny when I thought that I still couldn’t find all the pieces of my heart someone is already vying for my incomplete heart.

How could you piece together a being that was hallow in the first place?

waking up

2005-08-08T03:17:00.000-07:00

Could I still love again?

I was sleeping peacefully in his arms. I woke up by his tight embrace. He whispered those three words and coated with sweet sincerity. My heart stood still. My mind drifted away…

Was my love for you real?

I was sleeping on the hard old floor of his house. I was exhausted and tired that nothing bothered me anymore. I felt someone was stroking my hair. When I opened my eyes I saw you were the one stroking my hair. My heart sighed. I knew that you did not stop loving me and somehow you still cared.

Will I ever stop loving you?

One look at his kind face made my heart broke into a million pieces again. Before my logical thoughts settle my emotion broke loose. I grabbed the tablecloth and pulled as hard as I can. Dishes where flying and everything on that dinner table came crashing down. She looked confused and he was angry at me. I was screaming and making a scene at the little pretty restaurant. I do not know how to stop…
I woke up crying and alone realizing that you are gone.

letter for DW

2005-07-30T20:41:00.000-07:00

DW

It has been a very busy week for me with all the shooting, editing, school activities and other stuff. My life force seemed drained by everything. Amidst everything I am still caught in a flux of some sort with my personal peace. There is still a part of me that can not let you go… I am sorry. I know I should. The story with the two of us has ended and I know I should be starting to write a new chapter in my life.

Yesterday was a very emotional day for me. I went to *****’s house with my other friend ******. He did not know that we would visit him. It was really ******’s idea maybe she wanted to me and ***** to talk whatever. I did not talk. I was silent most of the time. I was thinking and drifting. I felt really displaced. The two were talking and I was just there listening. I felt like I was little kid listening to adults talking.

We stayed at ***** house for almost 6 hours. It rained hard so we were stuck there. When the rain poured I wanted to run in the rain. Feel the cold rain wash away all my troubles. I was really tempted. After the rain I was sad. The rain made me drift off to somewhere nice. When the rain stopped I was forced to feel the cold and the emptiness of reality. I was sitting by the doorstep. I cried.

I cried for many reasons…

***** was the one pacifying me and asking me what was wrong. He was saying I shouldn’t think too much my problems. I did not speak I just wept.

Somehow I recovered and continued listening to their talk. I lay on the cold floor of ****’s sala. He was laying at my left and ****** was sitting at my right reading a book. I slept at 3 am and woke up at 6:30. I did not have enough sleep so I did not notice that I had drifted to sleep. I was awoken with Fritz touching my hair. I also realized that I was holding a part of his shorts.

He asked why I cut my hair. “Kasi mainit.” I bluntly answered. He laughed. “Mainit? Eh ang lamig lamig ngayon. Di nga ako naiinitan sa buhok ko.” She also agreed with him.

I was sad leaving his place because I knew that I was going to be my last time to go to that place. The song Kwarto of sugerfree popped in my mind.

I still do not know the whole story about me and him but I do not want to probe any longer. I am contented with just being friends with him. It was good bye.

Today I am going to keep all you’re the stuff that reminds me of you. I am glad that I had stopped wearing our ring because I had been wearing it when I learned that you already have a new special somehow I would definitely break my heart. It is time to let you go. You know ****** said that the thing with ***** was just my hang-ups with you. Right now I could not stop my tears.

I know I am selfish for feeling this way. I had been with guys and while you were alone there in Manila. I am happy you find someone who would take of you my DW bear. I hope she would not hurt you like I did for a couple of times. I am happy that she is nice unlike the guys that I have been. You deserve someone good unlike me I do not deserve people like you. I guess I should burry RG. She no longer exists.

I will never forget the time you hugged me for the last time when I left for Davao. The time you accompanied me to the airport for my flight for Davao.

I am still happy that I had shared four years with you. I will always treasure those times. You know you will always be in my heart. I would always want a second chance. I would never stop hoping that one day I would cross paths with you.

I guess this is my last I love you.

RG

Displaced

2005-07-08T16:38:00.000-07:00

I feel I am always displaced.

Last night I went to MTS. Sugarfree for free. I did not really go for that reason. Actually I really have no concrete reason for going there. I even dragged my sister with. I shouldn’t have. It turned out that I was not the only one displaced. I could feel that my sister was already bored. She has no one to talk to. I wanted her to have a social life…so I thought that maybe…just maybe. I am a crappy ATE.

Anyways that not only the gist of the whole dilemma. I saw a person I really want to talk to. A person I still have issues I have to resolve. I couldn’t abandon my sister and I knew he does not want to be with me alone (baka rapin ko daw haha). My mind was drifting. Toto even noticed that I was deeply thinking about something.

For the past week I have been like that. Everyday was getting worse. I was sleeping less, I no longer made my lesson plans, I did not check the plates of my students and everything no longer mattered. I am literally a wreck. In school everyone could also observe that I was most of the time staring at empty space. I am in deep shit right now. Maybe the faculty is already talking about me how I am a crappy art teacher. I do not logged in or logged out. I do not attend meetings. I was on time only once this week. Tons of other little things a teacher like me should not be doing.
But I do not really give a FUCK!!!

This is definitely my first time to be this dispersed when I comes to love crap… most of time I seems to be in control but right now it is spiraling down to oblivion. Now I know I have a first hand experience being heart broken.

If you ask why I am heart broken…

I took a risk, followed my best friend’s advice and made certain my feelings…
Anyone who knows me well knows that I have a hard time expressing love.
I don’t do telling everyone I love them. When I say it I really mean it and I definitely took courage doing that.

Ironic the time I finally forget all my biases and just told out loud what I was really holding back…my friend said that he might be thinking that I am insincere.

Sometimes I am tired of having feelings that I want to be numb.

When you are certain, you know what you want…you also know what hinders you from that reality you want to achieve. That broke my heart. Even though I would give up everything for him I still knew that in the end he would not choose me. Maybe I am just too critical, negative and pessimistic…but when I think about that…all I want to do is weep my heart and soul out.

But I still have hope. I do not stop wishing, dreaming and imaging a world with you.

Even though I am hurting I still have to continue my pathetic existence. The pain has not vanished but somehow it has ebbed into a tolerable throb…

Seeing you yesterday…definitely another story.

I could see he was slowly disintegrating in front of me. Am I poison for him?

The first person I fell head over heels with is also the person I am hurting with my presence. I just want him to be ok even it means I won’t see him again. I want to see him magtumbling tumbling again on the grassy park of MTS.

I do not know what to do.

Hurting
Drowning
Displaced
Surviving
Hoping
Wishing
Dreaming
Praying

I could not undo my sins
I just want you to be alright

white paint

2005-07-02T05:08:00.000-07:00

I bought a new can of white paint…

Staring at open space
Trying to be stoic
Senses are crashing
Feelings are denied
Running away
Forgetting everything
Walls are closing in
Floor is crumbling
Hues are disappearing

Inspiration is escaping
Trying hard to clasp and hold on
Gathering last strength
Giving up everything
Hoping for the living
Lost its importance
Living a lie
Creating an illusion
Shy away from the truth

Losing the battle
Becoming nothing
Getting hurt
Enduring the pain
Savoring the throbbing
Writing another tragedy
Filling the pages with lies
Undoing the compassion
Exhaling the euphoria

And painted over the red walls of my humanity.

My shoes are muddy.

2005-07-02T05:04:00.000-07:00

My footsteps leave behind a trail of disintegrated hopes and dreams.
The clouds have gathered and I had purposely left behind my umbrella
at the train station.
Everything is becoming numb grey.
I could see you standing under the shade.
I could see you are waiting for someone.
The rain started pouring.
I stood unfazed.
My soul is drenched with superficial darkness.
The cold is wrapping me with its strong hypnotic embrace.
I am afraid that you are waiting for me.
It has been a year.
A lot have happened.
Deep in your heart you have lost love for me.
I have become this putrid hag.
You have lost the innocent delicate princess you once loved.
I want to see you and undo the past year.
Reality is my enemy.
My being is now corrupted.
I have lost my luster.
Tears fall.
You finally saw me.
I knew you were waiting for me.
In your eyes I could see you are hurting.
I took out a bejeweled dagger and plunged it into my heart.
My soul escaped by body.
Life is lost.
I lay motionless in a puddle of mud and blood.

But my heart did not stop beating.

a week

2005-06-22T08:50:00.000-07:00

“It hurt when I lost each of the various men I fell in love with. Now, though, I am convinced that no one loses anyone, because no one owns anyone. That is the true experience of freedom: having the most important thing in the world without owning it.”
Paulo Coelho

I wrote this to someone to whom I recently became close...(in a span of a week parang isang lingong pag-ibig hahaha)
I live many lives…
The obedient daughter
The loving sister
The stubborn art teacher
The misunderstood artist
The bitch (for some girls who hate me)
The weird friend
And what not…
Then there’s the person you got spend an afternoon with.
I can be anything you want me to be.
I can be your friend
I can be your sister
I can be your mistress
(sadomasochist na masyado ang dating)
I can be your lover
But I do not want to be the one who hinders you from your first love…your art.

My life always evolved around my art. So everything that i experince is a form of art for me. I can no longer step into a realm he conjured but i know that deep in his thoughts i linger. I just hope i will not be forgotten. i wanted to say to him never life wear you down...how can you do your art when you are dead, in hell or worse in none existence. Even though its very delicious (and inspiring) to be depressed but never stop living. i was happy. i was with you a hundred ten percent (not even thoughts of brad pitt or of takeshi kaneshiro invade my head haha). i was inspired. i wanted to live and stopped caring about dying...

now i am back to my reality...not really depressed but somehow surviving.

Thinking about the times we made the taxi driver uncomfortable still evokes a smile from me.

Now when i remember the past week it just makes me smile and wonder. Did it really happen...it was too good to be true!

i wont forget the way you sat thinking deeply as i watched and pondered what are you thinking...

NEXT.

another letter

2005-06-11T21:25:00.000-07:00

after i recieved a message from a guy who had vanished i wrote him this letter...

You said you would leave DavaoMay 16....but i never really knew what exactly happened to you. These are the events happened after you suddenly disappeared.

May 15 (******'s birthday) I went to Mintal because it was my friend ****'s birthday too. Before i went to mintal i met with another friend at NCCC mall so we would go to mintal together. I saw an old high school friend. We had a quick chat and i said goodbye.

**** has a sun sim so i found someone to text with my sun sim (besides the usual). He is a second year law student and he is having his summer here. I only saw him once. It was when i illegaly left the house at 1 am. hehehe. We talked, drove around...and what not. We were never close in High school but since we both can relate having few friends in Davao so i was nice talking with him. He is a little bit taller than me, kinda nerdy with his glasses and he looks like a hs guy. Anyways i am not really attracted to him or him to me. Lets just say he is my kakwentohan about stuff...so i could never really say that we are something beyond that. After driving around we snuck in at his house...after an hour or so we snuck out again and he drove me home. (hehehehe lets just say it was a close call....ALMOST).

Even though after the weird event we still text and talk about none sense things. His family has a bar near Gmall and he promised when he comes back he would treat me bottomless iced tea at their bar. He went back to manila yesterday. He still texts at 2 am. hehehe nocturnal kasi like me.

Now ill tell you about ****. He is not married but he has a ver cute daughter and domestic partner . I kinda told him about the 1 am stint with ****. Thats when things got interesting. I said it was an ALMOST...he said that he is interested to fill the gap...well obviously any guy would like that! hehehe I thought he was joking but he was really into it. he was asking about when, how, where.... i said i do not want to complicate things since he has *****. He said it was ok with her, they have this OPEN relationship. I really did not believe him since i expected that he would say that. A day later **** texted me. It suprised me because it was ok with her. She said that i shouldn't be worried about her. She said that whatever happend she wishes that we would still stay friends. I could comprehend at first what she said! Imagine...how would you react to that! Anyways fast forward to another day. I couldn't sleep so i bluntly text **** that i couldnt sleep and something was burrowing in my head. Maybe he thought i was thinking about him. He was running out of load and i didn;t want to tell him about what was bothering me so he used ***'s cell. He is another friend. This got complicated. They wanted to try a threesome! (Galing ko nu, to get myself into impossible situations like this). I knew *** was a bisexual and so said i didn't want to disturb them. **** said he was not really into ***, he was into me so i asked sino pala type ni ***...This suprised me. **** said that they both were into me. MAN they were really serious since i still have my period they were asking when will it stop...
fast forward to today...i could not really easily grant their wish becuase i could not go out at night and i have a busy schedule right now. Honestly i was considering it...it's once in a lifetime experience and maybe after that (mutagam na unta) i would cease my almost sexual exploits... but the situation is weird (**** even said it has weird characters). In reality i really couldn't fit them in my schedule. They are also busy with their gigs.

But you never know....

if ever i see you again i could show you what i learned if ever i gain any experience...hahaha
Galing ng story ko nu parang pangporn! Hay galing ko na talaga gumawa ng storya! haha boring kasi life ko. Wish though what i told was really true...ikaw daw be payag ka ba sa threesome (tapos payag pa ang asawa!)? :)

Blurry

2005-06-10T07:36:00.000-07:00

The room was cold, the walls did not match and miss Pat’s word was already becoming insensible to me. The afternoon is becoming dull and boring. Everything was becoming blurry... i did not want to drift of to sleep so my mind found something interesting.

i was staring at the table...

like a pornflick was unfolding in front of me...

He could no longer hold on to the thin layer of reality that separates him from her intense desire. She smiled and wrapped her arms around him. She whispered gently to his ear “I want to fuck you” and kissed him on his cheek. He tried to regain control but another part of him stiffened. She backed away from him and sat on the long table. He approached her and then he hesitated but something in him broke. He hungrily kissed her yearning mouth. His tongue explored the new depths. He did not want to stop, he did not want to breathe. He forgot about everything at that time all he though of was he wanted her...

I do not want to go further and drown in my lustful narration i turn to new page of my story. i remembered the text messages i recieved from a friend. When i recieved them at first i could not comprehend. But somehow the it provoked the scene i dicribed before hand. Here are a few of them...

L. Maybe because we both know its not normal base on our society’s standard, bit I swear it doesn’t matter to me. No guilt feeling, no hurt feeling ok? We exist to live life and be happy anyway.

L. ok so its up to you don’t worry there’s nothing wrong with it guess its normal. It’s just that I don’t want you to worry about me.

L. Open relationship requires honestly or it can be consider as infidelity specially when you’re into a serious relationship. Just wana let you know that I’m aware of everything and its ok with me. Sorry if I had somehow offended you? Hope not.

These are a few text messges i recieved from her other half...

J. ok txt txt nalang ha ingat, mels no strings attached ito ha no commitment, malinaw ba? Pero frankly I like you

J. Yup, but sometimes doing it could lead to something more intimate. I may fall for you or you for me. I guess it’s the first things that we should avoid. No strings attached just plain ***. That is if you feel like doing it. Anyway I cant be your bf.

J. But of course you should be smart enough to practice it safely. Do you think you can handle some emotions that may arise after it? Im worried on tht, because you knbow im not really capabale of attending that 100% I may not married but im a family man.

J. Ok no problem with that. Its you im more concern of right now. Do you think you can handle it?

J. e til wat time curfew mo, at ok lang ba say o na magschedule tayo? Oi, sabihin mo lang kung nahaharass o naoffend k na ha masyado ata me over indulged?

"Are there any more questions from you?" Miss Pat aked the group as she finished her orientation. I had a lot on my mind but it was not really about the school and its policies. Funny she had mentioned something about it is important for a teacher to moral...

but everything is blurry.

2005-06-07T10:05:00.000-07:00

ganda ng kulay ko di pantay hehehe

Posted by Hello

2005-06-07T10:03:00.000-07:00

(pangit ng background! haha)

Posted by Hello

2005-06-07T10:02:00.000-07:00

walang magawa sa bahay (namuni-muni with painted red tears)

Posted by Hello

2005-06-07T09:59:00.000-07:00

just hanging out at home at walang ligo hahaha

Posted by Hello

temporary

2005-06-07T09:33:00.001-07:00

sorry if i had to make my blog super simple i had a problem with the last layout design. it seems not everyone could see the blog so for the time being ill just use this.

temporary

2005-06-07T09:33:00.000-07:00

sorry if i had to make my blog super simple i had a problem with the last layout design. it seems not everyone could see the blog so for the time being ill just use this.

2005-06-05T06:57:00.000-07:00

blood tears

Posted by Hello

One a.m.

2005-06-03T22:30:00.000-07:00

The wind outside is cold. Everyone is almost asleep. I could not stop checking my watch. My mind is drifting away from reality. In a few moments I know I will succumb to my secret life. I know I am now alone. Everyone has already stepped into their dream reality. Now I am waiting for someone.

There is still uncertainty if he will arrive. I could not care less. I could take my own private journey into the dark polluted waters of my tormented mind. I am accustomed to drowning in my own poisoned thoughts.

He is like a drug. He offers a superficial high. I am a dark creature who needs to be set free, roam the dark and lurk in the shadows. He could be a key to a night of utter madness and spontaneity.

The dull yellow green light was like a glow of a gem in my dark room. I knew it was him and it was time to go. I gather my camera, my keys and my rubber shoes. My heart was pounding. Carefully I went through the glass doors, the discarded gallery and into the garden. I could get caught at any moment but I really did not care. A few steps away would be temporary freedom.

I was finally standing outside the gate. The coldness welcomed me. I shy away from the yellow light of the post and hid behind the shadows. I could hear him coming.

This was not my first time to leave the house. Last time I went with a complete stranger. This time would be different. He is not really a stranger. I knew him from my past but I also know a little about who he has become...

I went inside his vehicle and we drove of.

Time did not exist. There was really no direction. Anything could happen. I stopped thinking and I just talked. Now I could not remember what we talked about. Everything happened fast but now when I think about it I am like watching a slow motion picture.

I do know how I all started. I remembered he held my hand. I was confused, if he was really after the sex he would have jumped on me and ripped my clothes. I did not know how to respond. Was it show of affection or is it his way of foreplay?

Everyday my passion has been burning my soul alive. Now I am afraid that I might burn his fragile body into ashes. I wanted to consume his flesh and drip his blood. His innocent kisses and timid caress prevented me from corrupting his soul. I was clumsy and laughed. I also knew that he did not know what to do. I just let him explore where he dared to go. I talked and tried to ignore his desire. Honestly I yearned for more.

I was actually trespassing. We were at his place. We were not alone.

Somehow the reality of time and knowledge that we could get caught prevented the ulterior motive of that night. We left and acted as if nothing happened. In my mind I was still in dark place uncovered and ripping him apart with my passion. I also knew that in his mind he was also in that dark damp place.

We are not lovers. We are not really close friends. He is my friend (I hope). I do not desire him. I also know I am not really his type. Is it that my lust is eating my sanity? Or maybe we are just two lonely people…

When I was back in my room I could sleep. I tried to digest what just happened. It really did not make sense but that is also what made it perfect.

My life is filled with moments with strangers.
I am more at home with them.

He will go back to his reality.

I do not know if it was just one night…

We will just see if one day I would claim his innocence…

I am a succubus waiting for another prey.

2005-05-30T06:25:00.000-07:00

summer picture no. 2

Posted by Hello

2005-05-30T06:23:00.000-07:00

summer pictures no. 1

Posted by Hello

Past

2005-05-30T05:46:00.000-07:00

The summer is almost over...
Every one seems to be disolving into a dark tinted past.

School is going to start and somehow i am already facing the reality that i am really going to be an art teacher. I had my teaching demo today. For my standards it was definitely a crappy demo. I had no eye contact with the students, my voice wasn't loud enough, i forgot some things to say, in a middle of a sentence i just drifted off... but i guess the school is really in need of new teacher that even though it was so crappy they said it was ok.

I got to so many forms to fill out, worhsops to attend, people to see (divsion chair, principals, students, the HRD etc.) and i have to smile A LOT. I hope i will survive the school year.

At least i would be preoccupied thinking about lesson plans and how to kiss ass with the school officials and i guess i hope i would not think that i am missing a lot in life. Honestly i am sad. Honey is busy with job hunting and a new bf. Chella is going to be busy with basically same reasons. Dodie is still definitely busy with Kitz and the Katribu. Megg will start school soon. Kyle will go back to Manila. Rachel as usual busy with everything. hmmm....hay my few friends. i on the hand is stuck with my students. I really need to have new friends.

my passion is burning out...
my future is fading...
everyone is leaving me...
all i have is my dreams...

a love letter

2005-05-28T07:47:00.000-07:00

i made this love letter for someone sometime ago...
he never got to read the letter but thats okay i wrote the letter to satisfy my writing needs.
anyways the contents of the letter is no longer true so i do care if the world reads it hehehe

I knew now that I fell in love with an idea.

How I wish I am in a movie and in the end everything would be ok…but life is not a movie.

I may not be the person that you want to spend your whole life with
I may not be the person who knows you well
I may not be the person whom you have spent a whole night
I may not be the person whom you said the kindest and dearest words

I am not your best friend
I am not your close friend

I don’t know if it’s even right to call me your girl friend
All I know that I have been part of your life since forever

Years ago when you said that you liked me more that you should I was confused but also fascinated by your honestly

I was afraid then and so I let myself be swept away

Now years later and you have become a person I knew less
A lot have happened to you

Just when I thought that you forgot
Just when I thought that you outgrew me

I realized that you are still there

I don’t know if your are waiting or simply just
Be there for me…

I fell in love with the thought that you could have chosen me over other things
I fell in love with the idea that you would fight for me
I fell in love with the idea that you would disregard social norms just to be with me

But as you have said that was then when you were more innocent with the ways of the world

Now you are older
And hopefully more matured

You said you see life in a lighter way
And maybe you stopped being a mindless hopeful romantic
You live by a day and not think of the future

Now that I am back

Just when I thought I meet the guy who was there for me five years ago

I met a whole different guy

I am insane and I believe in bursts of passion, hasty decisions, spur of the moment inspirations, and people throwing away values for love
Yes I became my worst nightmare

Reality is cruel

What started to be a controlled experiment became unpredictable, irrepressible…
I lost control

I did not meant to tell everyone

I thought I lost you
You were never there

It was just a cheap thrill but I wanted to validate myself to you and to everyone
I wanted to tell you that I still exist and hopefully you have not forgotten

You do not say anything most of the time

I do now know you
You keep everything from me
I do not know if you really want to be with me or rather be with someone else

You know I always felt left out by your world
I feel that I could never understand you as the sun does
She does know you better

Both of you have certain chemistry and no one can ever take away that from both of you

Now I am paying for the mistakes that I had done

I am alone again.

I am so stupid that I fell in love with an idea

My life is so empty that I am willing to pretend that I have this secret love affair with a guy who loves me very much and who will do everything for me
He would fight the fire breathing dragons
He would sweep me off my feet and whisk me on to his white stallion and ride away towards the sunset

I know you don’t love me

I you don’t care if you would lose me tomorrow

I know you could not care less

I am just trouble for you.

But why I am still pretending…

You are now in a crossroad towards your future and I hope you good luck, God bless and everything good

Maybe it is good that you are going away
…you would not be sucked into my pretend world.
…you would not be face judgment
…you would face a future with out me upsetting that
…I would be forced to face a blank wall

I always get silence from you and I know I will never know what you are thinking

And

I know it could be a lie but let me have my dream

Let me have my secret

Let me think that you the one

And so I ask will you lie for me even for the last time…

Or tell me the truth

05062005

Saturday Night

2005-05-28T07:23:00.000-07:00

another Saturday and i am still stuck at home.
how pathetic my life is!
i am happy at least no one really reads my crap so i just tell all the shitty things about me and no one would care. Yey....

Next week would be one crazy week. On Monday i am going to have my demo for my teaching stint at PWC. On Wednesday there would be a general meeting of teachers and from Wednesday to Friday will be (another yawn) seminar. June 13 will be the start of classes and so i hope i still have time for myself.

lately my days have become more weird.

From my late night excapades [not actually secapades but i wish it had been (naughty, naughty)] to my weird encouter with grade school teachers (i should not be saying bad stuff about them since one of these days i will be like them [NOOOOO!!!!}]).

i would be living this double sided life. The art teacher and the dark moody creature called melissa (hehehe). Art teacher by day and dark crusader (as if) by night....

i know ill be this goody two shoes teacher who kiss ass the people in authority (nakakatamad din magsmile lagi nu). my students would see me as their art teacher...i hope they would see me as the cute, pretty, smart and beautiful teacher (yabang nu!).

they do know that i am really this depressed, obsessed, paranoid, temperemental, indifferent, weird, and insane person who is always up to something vile (bwahahahaha [evil laugh]).

At least i hope my life would be interesting that way.

bye social life though...as if i had one in the first place.

A new Page

2005-05-24T08:08:00.000-07:00

In a few weeks time I have managed to wreak havoc to people I have recently became close. My boredom lead me to do things no one in the right mind would do. I did not kill anyone. I did not commit any crime but I did break rules and raised a couple of eyebrows.

The more my parents try to restrict my actions the more I want to break free. I love bending and breaking rules but I must learn the art of never getting caught. Well I have been careless and that lead other people to trouble. (Maybe that is the reason why my parents do no want me wander the streets because I might cause mass destruction and mayhem).

I guess I will stop playing mind games with other human beings. Sad to say I lost the people I recently became close and so I am back to square one. I guess I’ll just find another set of friends. This time I will try not to fuck up their lives.

This is goodbye to Ligaya who will never cease to amaze me and challenge me (to do more evil? Hehehe), good bye to Brian who I successfully frightened away (good luck sa board exam mo), good bye to Miguel who got tired of my tirade (hope you are doing fine with your med. rep. training), good bye to Kristofer (who is eternally horny), good bye to Chloris who never stopped caring for Marlon (now you’ll never worry about his loyalty), good bye to Marlon (do not take Chloris for granted! Okies?). I forgot Kyle (hehehe my found textmate and…hehehe).

I am thankful though that even after what happened there are still people there for me. Joe (who amazingly still loves me [very thankful for that]), Dodie (who never stopped listening to my insanities), Honey, Rochella, and Rachelle (always gives me hope and believes in me even though I am a crappy artist).

In a few weeks classes will start.

I will be an art teacher.

I hope that this time things would work out fine...I hope I would not corrupt the innocent minds that is entrusted to me.

This time I will try not to be bad…(hehehe can’t help it kasi its good to be bad sometimes…hehehe)

ala lang

2005-05-20T01:44:00.000-07:00

i have not been posting stuff because my life turned another 180 degrees again.
so now everything under renovation...

faux

2005-04-26T09:38:00.000-07:00

Lately i am happy.
i know it rarely happens these days but fortunately and recently i am.
ok ok its just superficial happiness but at least i tend not be sad for the time being.

i hope tomorrow i will get to see him.
well i thought i lost him but somehow he came back...well temporarily.
he is still mean, very ungentleman but now he replies to my sms messages, he does show up, he calls me...

i do not want to think that he will leave soon
i do not want to think that...

hay sad na naman ako

i miss joe.

mundane

2005-04-26T04:54:00.000-07:00

My life is filled with mundane things that I do not want to write about it. I wish my life is like a movie and I am the screenplay writer. I get to frame the most significant events of my life and edit out the boring rituals that fill my life. Unfortunately life is not like a movie.

When I wake up I have to pee, brush my teeth and comb my hair. I am no movie star that does not need to all those things. They just wake up looking eternally ravishing and poof fascinating things happen to them. In reality I have to think what I would do in order to make my day significant.

Boredom is my constant companion and time is my enemy.

I am always waiting, hoping, wishing and writing down things. Everyday my checklist grows but I rarely accomplish what is in my checklist. Still I write down things to do.

What I have written so far is like my life. It has no focus and direction. I just write down what pops in my head. I need to concentrate…

Luckily no one really reads my shit so I can be chaotic and disorganized as I want to be. This is just my therapy.

I know I have been obsessing about being depressed and suicidal that if I had been paid to do these shit I would have been rich by now. People are not paid to be said. People are paid to do work. When I am already at my wits end and probably I was already on the edge of my sanity my flushed red boy comes along.

He does not really alleviate my pain but still I succumb with his promise of fun. He is like a certain candy with a sweet addictive taste and acid sour aftertaste. I really want to get him out of my system. Specially when he is going away and he will probably leave me here to rot in my dismay.

First I must list down things why is should forget about him. This is my top ten.
He is always uncertain about everything.
He denies everything
He ceases to find ways to disappoint me
He is very immature
He is afraid of being caught
He wants my framed graduation picture
I can not really sure if he is loyal
He will never fight for me
I think that he does not think about me like the way I think about him
I have to share him with everyone!!!!

I know that I am very self destructive. I do not seem to want to be happy. He always causes my heart to ache but still! I admit it I am stupid. Super duper stupid. Hope he will ran away with his best friend and leave me be. But if he will do that I will be super sad and not just be sad I will be depressed. Hmm not a bad idea though. Maybe this time I would finally have the guts to actually put into action my suicidal ideas. But then again…I know I would not do that. I’ll just write about it or make an art about it.

I love being this dark doomed character.

dday

2005-04-14T10:29:00.000-07:00

I think I am going insane. All I want to do is either evaporate in thin air or mourn my pitiful existence. I do not feel that I am human any longer. I feel like pathetic scum of the earth. I am a sorry excuse for a human being. I hope God would take my life and recycle my life force into more useful living things.

I do not want to pretend any longer. I realized that my happiness is just a candy coating of my rotting demented soul. Maybe I prefer hell; maybe I m a better off being a dark creature that roam in the depths of earth rather than a human being with constricted and contrived freewill.

I will be honest I will no longer hide things I will say it all out

I am tired of answering questions why my parents treat me like this…even I myself do not know why they treat me like a little girl. I am tired of pretending that I am doing ok when I know I am a complete failure. I admit I envy everyone. I envy my friends they have jobs they lives they can do what they want and they act their age. I envy anyone who have specific special someone. I envy people who are not afraid to live their lives.

I want to run away.

I want to go to sleep and never wake up.

I want to lose consciousness.

I want to be transported to another dimension.

I want to lose myself.

I want to cease to exist.

Life is short and I have wasted mine…

Everyday my mind is wasting away Little by little I lost hope Everywhere I look all I could see the superficial happiness Somehow I have lost my inspiration I am just waiting for my death.

That would be a very good present to me.

explination

2005-04-07T07:52:00.000-07:00

i have been lazy lately and so i just post pictures with out any explination of what so ever. So this is how i try to make it up...hehehe

i had a 6 day scriptwriting workshop...it happened weeks ago. The picture i have posted is the picture of the whole group on the last day of the workshop.

the next set of pictures are my recent pictures of me going to the samal island (i wish though that i had been to boracay and not samal). Parang kami nagdate ni Honey, the one in the picture. it was suppose to be a barkada outing but since ako lang free so kami lang dalawa ni Honey.

the last picture is the graduation picture of brian. hehehehe (Ang cute nu? Sarap patayin! hehehe). brian is east (if you remember...).

hay so boring so far....

2005-04-07T02:18:00.000-07:00

me and honey at the beach (nagdate kami)

Posted by Hello

2005-04-06T06:32:00.000-07:00

samal

Posted by Hello

2005-04-06T06:27:00.000-07:00

scriptwriting workshop

Posted by Hello

4 guys and a girl

2005-03-29T04:20:00.000-08:00

Four Guys and One very Perplexed Girl

I can never explain how I always weave a very complicated web of relationships. (Maybe this is my way of making my uneventful and boring life more interesting). Whatever the reason is I am now in a crossroad of my life when I am facing four roads into diverse oblivion North (the current suitor), West (the current boyfriend), East (ex boyfriend), and South (the textmate).

North, he is the current suitor. He was my classmate when I was in grade school when I was still in my pre-angst period. I don’t know what he saw (or imagined) in me that made him subconsciously wait for my undying devotion, love, “matamis na oo”…whatever. He is claiming that he had been waiting for years for the time that I would be single again (talk about crappy pick up lines). He thinks that I am the right girl for him. I really do not know about that part. I know I am very unstable, moody, fickle and neurotic. He hasn’t realized that yet (hehehe) wait till he get to hand around me…I am sure he definitely rethink his choice of girl (well unless for him love is blind, deaf and dumb).

West, he is supposedly the current boy friend. Due to his very unpredictable attribute I thought that some strong wind had blew him to other shores (maybe the sunnier kind). Well somehow he has risen again (Easter na kasi). I really do not know what next with him. I guess I just wait till another hard gust of wind to take him away.

East, he my ex-boyfriend which promoted (or demoted) to being my best friend. Well he is always there for me. From the textmate days, to lovey-dovey days, to long distance love affair to the current wholesome days. I know that in my future he will still be there. I have shared four years with him so he is already a big chunk in my disfigured love life.

South, he is my textmate and the guy who makes my unlimited load worthwhile. We used to close but not close friends. We used to talk to the phone all the time but never really talked when we see each other. People assumed we were a couple but we never were. He is fun with out strings attached. A guy I could tell all my insanities but I can never personally see.

Somehow these four guys are part of my past; I guess I need someone new to refresh my disfigured love life. J

fix of a broken heart

2005-03-16T18:19:00.000-08:00

The fix of a broken heart

I woke up today with uneasy sense of reality. Today will be another day which I would face sheer uncertainty. So far nothing makes sense with what I have been doing. One moment I am living out my passion with art and then the next I become this depressed lonely being. Yesterday was another vague attempt to validate my reason of existence in this world. Obviously material things could never satisfy anything spiritual. Then there’s my attempt to face my fears which later lead to confusion and undeniable impair. My friend Ice told me that I know the solution of my problem but I do not do anything to fix the problem which is very true. I am just imagining that I have a special connection with someone when actually everything is just a power struggling with another person. I do not love him but I just want to conquer his sullen heart. I know but I just ignore the clear fact that he loves another girl and that girl loves him back. I just miss the days when someone loves me dear and holds me special in his heart. I am still this hopeless romantic despite my angry nature. I don’t know why I don’t want to face reality and forcibly hung into false romances. Maybe I thought that it would accompany me through my aimless existence. I know I must let go and good this would follow.

You know my fix for a fake broken heart are researching about the latest on the horror flick genre, watching horror movies (trying to discern their plot if there is one), write my insanities (like what I a doing right now), reading a couple of suggestive text, and fixing my attention to my real love. In summary its just blood, gore, sex, and art. The typical components of a derange manic depressive being. J

2005-03-09T05:33:00.000-08:00

hehehehe ID picture

Posted by Hello

profile

2005-03-09T05:25:00.000-08:00

i was asked to make my profile and this is the result but i think i still have many things to update thought. . .
Melissa M. Arbotante
Personal Information
Address: ****************************** Bangkal Davao City
Mobile No.: 0920-******* / 0922-******* Tel. no.: *******
E-mail: miles0282@yahoo.com Blog: http://ngitngit.blogspot.com
deviantart: www.miles0282.deviantart.com
Birthday: Dec. *, **** Nationality: Filipino Religion: Roman Catholic
Interests: Asian Horror movies, Computer Generated Animated movies, music videos, Fashion Photography, Advertising, graphic arts, modern and post modern art, philosophical novels, Horror novels
Hobbies: watching MTV, FTV, experimental painting, macro photography, collecting shoes, redecorating t-shirts, collecting back issues of fashion magazines, writing and imagining fantasy stories
Short-term plans: make a good portfolio, study different software related to graphic arts, and escape the strict clutches of parental authority
Long-term plans: continue further studies of graphic arts, commercial arts in New York and have a career in advertising
Education
2000-2004 College of the Holy Spirit Manila
Bachelor of Fine Arts Major in Advertising
1996-2000 Ateneo de Davao University
Secondary Education
1990-1996 Philippine Women’s College of Davao
Primary Education
Job Experience Pilipinas Shell Pet. Corporation Km 10 Sasa Davao City clerk
On the Job Training Reach-Out Program 2003
J. Walter Thompson Company (Phils.), Inc. The Enterprise Center, 6766, Makati City 1226
Achievements and Organizations
Two-star honor, 1st semester, 2003-2004
One-star honor, 1st and 2nd semester, 2002-2003
One-star honor, 1st semester, 2001-2002
Overall Chairman “Synergy” 2004 Graduation Exhibit
Action Literary Folio, Writer
Fine Arts Organization, member
Skills
Adobe Photoshop, Adobe Page maker, Adobe Premiere, Adobe Aftereffects
Photography, Ad layout, Logo and package Design, stage and fashion design, scriptwriting, copywriting

* hehehe too personal kasi

in circulation

2005-03-09T05:11:00.000-08:00

My world has turned upside down again. I do not know if i am still grounded but at least now i get to attend the scriptwriting workshop at UP Mindanao Anda. It starts tomorrow and ends on the 15th. At least i would be preoccupied with things that is worth while.

The other day i did not sleep the whole night, i only slept around 9 am because at that time my eyes were really really tired and it was my limit. That night i finished reading 11 minutes, put something in my blog, write something in my organizer, and watch the sunrise. Watching the sunrise somehow gave me peace and unexplainable happiness. At that moment i did not think of anything but i had just let myself go and be one with nature....hehe

then that afternoon i got a call from Rachelle and a visit from Honeycel and so i am up and running again in my strugle called Life.

Tomorrow's challenge is not the writing but having lunch. I hope i go through eating with out vomiting. Wish me luck!

11 minutes part 2

2005-03-07T10:35:00.000-08:00

a while ago i was filled with lots of ideas on what i would put on my blog and right now that i am in front of the computer suddenly i am again lost for words.
i had just finished reading 11 minutes (well obviously i would not have been quoting it if i didn't read the book). it made me rethink about my relationships lately. . . well somehow it show me truths that was just standing in front of me...i want to go into details but sad to say this i cannot. i know that there is probably only one to two persons who checks out my blog (mon and joy) but i am still hesistant to unveal myself.

tomorrow another none sense day.

i hope one day will come when i find meaning in it all

11 minutes

2005-03-07T10:16:00.000-08:00

"All my life, i thought of love as some kind of voluntary enslavement.
Well, that's a lie: freedom only exists when love is present.
The person who gives him or herself wholly, the person who feels freest, is the person who loves most wholeheartedly.
And the person who loves wholeheartedly feels free.
That is why, regardless of what i might experience, do or learn, nothing makes sense.
i hope this time passes quickly, so that i can resume my search for myself-in the form of a man who understands me and does not make me suffer.
But what i am saying?
In love, no one can harm anyone else; we are each of us responsible for our own feelings and cannot blame someone else for what we feel.
It hurt when i lost each of the various men I fell in love with.
Now, though, i am convinced that no one losses anyone, because no one owns anyone.
That is the true experience of freedom: having the most important thing in thw world without owning it."

Paulo Coelho
(from the novel Eleven Minutes)

tunok

2005-03-03T08:29:00.000-08:00

i felt that a weight was lifted from my shoulders...well actually i should not be releived. i am currently weaving a self destructing web of my fantasy.

the past few days i have been thinking about making an entry about my current bf, my relationship with him, my x, my relationship with my x, the x gf of my bf, and my relationship with her. its sounds like a math problem don't you think( i mean with all the x's)?

then somehow i get to think about it...

i wanted to write about how sad i am with my current relationship then i do not want to be negative so ill aproach it in a more positive way.

the main reason why i like my current bf is basically because he makes me feel like i am still in High school.

he is like one of my silly crushes...i mean i am not really sure of his feelings so most of the time i just wish...that he also likes me the way i like him. Then i am jealous of girls that does not really exist. Then i treasure the snipets of time that i am with him.

He makes me feel young again, he makes me feel unsure, uncertain and unconsolable. The whole relationhip is hanging on a balance. i do not know if we have a future. i do not know if he is really serious about me or is he still in love with some one else.

i am like a teenage girl who does not know better...

i remember what a friend said "its very hard to play dumb when you are not dumb."

i tried to escape loving DW because being so far away from him hurts me but now i am again in a situation where i still get hurt. This time i have no control over my feelings. i had just blown everything out of proportion.

me and my big mouth.

Temptation of a Prince

2005-02-27T18:53:00.000-08:00

It was never meant to be
He was the forbidden fruit of my wretched garden of sin
He thought that he could have me
I was the one who corrupted his mind

He imagined that he was the prince of my fairy tale
He did not knew that I did not dream of pretty landscapes
But of putrid swamps and blood nightmares
He wished he could save me from myself

When he finally saw my real face
He tried to banish image that he saw
He tried to ran away
And pretended that he did not saw anything

He should not have left his land of pink bunnies
He should not have threaded the fungus infected path
That I walk on
He should have outgrown his stupid infatuation with disaster

Now that he is caught in my web of deceit
Only his beloved princess could save him now
I had once loved him but now I have to feed
His precious blood will bring me temporary fake immortality

But I could not take his life
Somehow I saw that a little princess prays for his love
Her prayers bind me from inflicting pain to his fragile body
I unclasped my claws and let him wander my troubled land

Before he goes back to his fairy land I planted a kiss on his hand
I whispered to his ear the name of little princess
His face lit up
But little did he knew that her name made his heart cold and dead

Silver Moon, Cold Blue Tiles and Blood Red Walls

2005-02-27T18:51:00.000-08:00

I stand here barefoot on the cold blue tiles of a naked room
The walls are blood red and stained with impending doom
When I look up all I see is the silver moon
Reflected on its face the corruption of the innocent
I felt his breath against my back
He whispered words of my haunted past
He spoke of my horrible future
He sang the day of my death
Then everything was silent again
I was alone in the accursed room

The earth trembled
The wind sighed
The silver moon mourned
The blood read walls crumbled
The cold blue tiles started to burn my feet
But I still stood
I am waiting for another miracle

I felt I was losing my energy
My life was absorbed by the mildew beneath my feet
A drop of blood fell on my face
When I looked up again I saw that blood was from the moon
It has lost its silver face
Now it was black
Suddenly I was afraid
I realized that this is the end
I must let go
I must stop dreaming

2005-02-24T09:54:00.000-08:00

rachele and me

Posted by Hello

2005-02-24T09:50:00.000-08:00

dodi and kitz

Posted by Hello

2005-02-24T09:49:00.000-08:00

tantan

Posted by Hello

2005-02-24T09:48:00.000-08:00

fritz

Posted by Hello

2005-02-24T09:46:00.000-08:00

katribu

Posted by Hello

2005-02-24T09:43:00.000-08:00

art is you night

Posted by Hello

grounded

2005-02-24T09:14:00.000-08:00

For me that word have a whole new meaning...

Technically i am grounded by my parents. i am prohibited to go outside the house in the evening. . . and the sad part is i am already 22 years old. i am living with my parents so i have to abide by their rules. they think i am disrespectful and i put myself in dangerous situations.

they always decide and think for me. They never consult my opinion. i am just a piece of property for them. they dont treat as an intelectual human being instead they treat me like a child.

i live for my so called Art. They do not understand that.

they think that i am full of shitload of hallucinations with my art.

they think if they tie me down in the house i would stop dreaming

they do not know that staying at home would lead to further insanity...

they do not know that their so called love in alredy drowning me...i want to get out.

Corruption

2005-01-31T19:56:00.000-08:00

I sat here alone in an empty movie house.
The silence is deafening and the cold envelopes my empty heart.
I could hear the slow heart beat of my soul.
I want to get away before the hollow presence of my dark heart consumes me.
But I am trapped.
What I could only do is wait in silence for my companion.
Each second I wonder if ever he would come back for me.
I feel like I am suspended in a nightmare.
Slowly I am choking in my paranoia.
My sanity seems to be crumbling away into noiseless dust.
I took in a long deep breath.
The lights suddenly were turned off.
I am very aware of my surroundings but somehow I am numb to feel any emotion.
My body sat motionless on the soft mauve seats of the movie house.
I try to break the spell.
My hand moved and somehow my body relaxed.
Now I could feel.
I closed my eyes and stood up.
When I opened my eyes again I am already in front of my computer with an empty screen.
I know the movie house was real.
My companion is real.
I am the one who lives in this illusion which I weave with my selfish intentions and destructive ideas.
One day I will wake up from this dream that I always relive everyday.
I must get away from him because there might be a time my heart has turned cold and I might crush him with my corruption.